“I thought Fairytales was real”

September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010


I have never thought my friends understand m so well. In this relationship, my friends saw how much my family affected me. Min Jin told me, Pineapple says that I hate boys. Okay well not exactly hate but I just don't really mix with boys although I do have boy friendS. And that happens because I was affected by my dad. I'm incapable of truly loving someone, not because I'm les or that boy doesn't like me, but because I'm a monster. A monster that will probably be single for the rest of her like, until she learns to trust the opposite gender again.

In school, I live in a circle of friends. We grow up together and face the challenges together. I can't stand to think of the future because I know one day we'll be leaving everyone to walk on out own path and chase our dream. It's either now (form 3) or later when we graduated. It's a sooner or later kind of thing but in the and it's still the same. Forever never lasts. I've never believe in forever. I afraid of leaving this family of friends. They understand me so much and they always lookout for me. They know how to cheer me up when I'm sad and protect me from things I've don't like. I dreaded the day when we all will be gone. I love you guys so so so much!

October 12
I became single again finally and I'm loving it. Isn't it weird but the breakup isn't affecting me in any way? Probably because I was never in love with him from the start. Yes, I like him just how I like everyone else, but that's just it, nothing more. Pity G though, cause being with him for 2 months but never be honest to him bout my feelings until now. Maybe I am suffering from philophobia? I don't know. Yea, I used to think being loved is called happiness. But now things have change.

I learn to cross the road without someone to guide me
I learn to deal with my nightmares alone at night by telling myself that's just a dream
I've learn to live with my fear of darkness by switching the lights and radio on.
And there is so much more I've learn without my family by my side. And now, I found myself trusting my friends more and more I feared that I depended on them too much.

Anyway it's a big relieve that government exams were finally over but why why WHY do I still have that freaky insomnia? I thought with the huge pressure finally off my shoulder I can finally have some normal rest. Not the kind of nocturnal timetable or my fren so called American timetable but the normal HUMAN BEING kind of rest. It's not working out for me though. Everytime I goes to bed my mind keeps thinking all sorts of nonsense and I break down into tears. I need something to keep me distracted from thinking bout the past nor future and to help me sleep. Can anyone help me?